Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
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CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse