Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
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Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
🙂🙃🥹
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My current situation
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.