tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
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If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs