Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
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“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun