“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
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I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday