Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
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Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
#catsoftwitter
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.