Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
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If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
rapatouille
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*