@JohnLyonTweets: Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
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@sheekaxo: Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
@bobvulfov: WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty WAITER: what why ME: a duck killed my father
@ArfMeasures: [Cocktail bar] WAITER: Ok, what are you having? DATE: The worst night of my life ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail