Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.