@JohnLyonTweets: Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
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@thegreatnanak: I was walking on the beach with my gf until my drugs wore off and I realised that I was dragging around a stolen mannequin.
@funnyordie: When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
@patnspankme: On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she's a nail tech. Their budget is $15M. Let's see what they can do!
@noog: Just heard a little boy call his mom "mother," as if both had already accepted the fact that he'd become a serial killer some day.