“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
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*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
what the hell pray for carter everyone
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.