Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
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*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.