Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
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Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
The asteroid..
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal