*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I am having an out of money experience.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I’m aging like a fine banana
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
#CoronaOutbreak
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
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Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names