*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
You Might Also Like
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.