Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
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Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.