Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
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*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”