Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
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My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey