Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
You Might Also Like
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
This tweet has been deleted
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?