me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
You Might Also Like
yeah not falling for this one
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”