Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
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Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.