Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
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Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet