Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
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Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
We need more people like this.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys