Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
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Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
All excellent questions
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Overindulged this afternoon.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.