I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
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Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.