Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
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*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
We’re all getting idioter.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.