Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
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Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
reminder
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse