Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
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I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.