Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
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*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
🤣
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
new record!
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?