“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
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[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
this is 10/10 content no notes
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”