Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
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Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
For anyone who needs this today
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.