“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
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Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.