wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
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If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.