Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
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YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
😂😂😂
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.