if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
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Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Did…did a minotaur write this
the three branches of government
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.