“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
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“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what