Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
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Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer