Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
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Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.