Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
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Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I would move hell over six inches for you
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?