Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
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Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?