Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
You Might Also Like
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met