You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
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Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.