my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
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This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
this is the most humiliating day of my life
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
birds and squirrels envy us
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them