Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
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Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
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Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.