Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
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Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
love it when they get my name right
The game has officially changed 😎
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night