Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
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Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible