Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
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alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?