Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
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As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP