Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
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Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.