Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
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I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.