[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
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Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife: