[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
You Might Also Like
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
not to brag, but mine was free
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.