Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
You Might Also Like
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
This is my cat’s medicine.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.